Question: My autistic daughter tries to run away or elope at the slightest chance she gets. What could be the reason for this? What can be done to prevent this?
Preeti Dixit: I don’t recall if I have ever eloped as a child but I have extricated myself from environments or situations which I found stressful – too much crowd, too much noise, people whom I’m not comfortable with. I have fantasized about running away from school many times but never actually did it because I knew it was dangerous. Another reason for wandering away from my parents would be if I spotted something interesting and wanted to take a closer look at it. However, I always made sure my parents were within eyesight. I had good self-preservation instincts that way.
So, your daughter might be eloping to get away from stressors. She might also be eloping to reach somewhere she likes, like a toy store or the park. Or maybe she wants to play a game of running and catching.
I’m not sure how you can prevent it. Maybe explain to her that it’s dangerous for her to run away, that she needs to have a parent with her at all times when she is outside the house. Explain to her the kinds of dangers that exist out there in a way that she understands so she understands the reason she shouldn’t run away on her own.
Sweta Sukhani: I have never eloped but always wanted to leave. Once, when I was sick, I actually just started walking away because I felt like I wasn’t wanted or needed, like if my existence was cut off, it wouldn’t make a difference to anyone. I was an extra piece. I was not involved in anything, my opinion didn’t matter, no one actually listened to me, and everything I did was ignored unless I was causing some trouble.
Another reason was the constant need for escape 24/7. I just didn’t want to be there because I felt trapped and suffocated. I didn’t know why then, but now I know it’s because my needs were never met.
I don’t know what exactly will help you but trying to leave is the last resort. The trigger might be elsewhere. See how much you engage with her in things of her interest and how you can make her feel included and accommodate her needs (from her lens not yours or how it’s supposed to be).
Navin Israni: If your daughter is verbal, why not ask her about this? Or take the help of a trauma-informed counselor who knows what Autism is and has experience working with Autistic kids. Perhaps also look for any sound or texture-related triggers in her current environment. Please be gentle with your child when talking to her. Use please and thank you and give rewards for letting her help you. This will make her feel good. To be transparent, there were only few instances in my childhood when I really wanted to run away from my home. But I didn’t know where I would go so I just stayed outside the home for a while. I don’t remember exactly but mostly my trigger was my parents not listening to me. I never had great communication with my parents. I would have loved if someone sat down with me, talked and listened to me patiently, and used please/thank you with me. These gentle words don’t exist in our family’s vocabulary and that’s sad.
Jay Chandran: I’ll explain my story in 5 parts:
1. I grew up in boarding schools from 4th grade. My father was physically abusive. My boarding schools had teachers who would slap me, beat me with a cane stick etc.. on a daily basis. Coz, my handwriting was bad and my dad’s only excuse to beat me was handwriting. I was a quiet, disciplined and top scoring kid. So, I was anxious to write, fearing punishment which made me not write class or homework and ultimately screwing up my grades and getting beaten up by teachers.
2. Boarding school life forced me to become talkative, make jokes, mimicry, perform, etc. to fit in. I was a quiet kid before 3rd grade. I had to protect myself somehow and also figure how everything works, all by myself. It was exhausting and overwhelming.
3. Home and school, both were abusive. Both didn’t give me a space to unmask and decompress. I was forced to mask 24/7 for survival. I always imagined of running away. But, I couldn’t go anywhere. I used to dream of begging in the streets and saving money to set up a small shop.
4. The absence of escape spaces made me a liar. I used to lie about physical pain and go to school dispensary. Or go hide in toilets for 1 or 2 hours. I’ve tried several methods to make myself sick. One is by collecting all random tablets, syrups, etc. Then, mixing all and consuming it. I’ve tried to break my hand, as I’ve seen kids with fractured arms were assisted to write. I’ve done so many things to escape. Even once, there was a “Madras Eye” epidemic in school. Those infected kids were isolated. But, I used soap to make my eyes red and when I was moved into their room, I took the tears of infected and placed in my eyes. My eyes got swollen for several days.
5. Listen to you kid. Never physically harm them. Create an escape space that they could run to. It should be one where even parents don’t go. Privacy is important. A space to elope to and decompress. If I had that space, I would have had better quality of life. I wouldn’t have physically harmed myself to escape. So, create a space or they’ll find unhealthy methods to escape or avoid overwhelm and overload. I’m lucky that none of my escape acts turned out lethal. (Note that I did drink random chemicals, I tried to get infected by sickness, I tried to break my bones, etc. That temporary overwhelm would win over my primary survival instincts. I just wanted to escape by any means, even if it would cause me a greater harm in the future. The need to escape is impulsive. So, keep the escape spaces accessible.)
