Question: Why do you want to be in your own world most of the time? Why don’t you want to mingle with family and friends? Is this environment not interesting?
Sweta Sukhani: I don’t relate to this environment most of the time. The conversations don’t excite me. I am constantly forced to not be me, so I want to be in my own world pretty much to escape. It’s like my safe space, and yes it is pretty interesting! I can’t even begin to explain how many parallel tracks run in my brain, and when I find anyone I can explain them to, I also fully engage with them, but it is so rare. I zone out to protect my own sanity. Not sure why it’s taken as an offense if I refuse to engage in formalities, small talk. If something is genuinely off or needs me, I do notice it. In that sense, I pay more attention that anyone else. I just don’t receive the same back.
Counter questions –
- Is our presence not enough?
- Are my special interests not interesting enough?
- Is my rest not important?
- Does my pain not matter?
- Am I not enough?
Navi A: Imagine if someone only wanted to talk to you about say, ancient rubber-making techniques. They keep talking about this whether you want to hear it or not and often the technical language doesn’t even make sense to you. On top of that, they get angry when you don’t participate in the discussion of the ancient rubber-making techniques! A lot of neurotypical conversation is like this for us. You’re going on and on about things we don’t understand, expecting us to participate in a conversation we have no idea how to. It’s still nice to be around though, because we like to be around someone we love. Unless you make us feel awkward about not being able to participate. Then we’d rather be off alone.
Try asking about your autistic loved one’s interests and then basking in their presence and enthusiasm. It’s a good way to connect. If they’re there around your conversation, never allow anyone to tell them “you’re so quiet”. I hated that so much. It made me feel like I’m not supposed to be there. They are listening and will like to know about you as long as you don’t drive them away by trying to fit in or participate like you would.
Navin Israni: What you may consider mingling might well be torture for autistic individuals. Especially given our limited social faculties. It puts all the more strain on our bodies and minds and it becomes traumatic because most people tend to act selfishly. You can’t fit a square box in a round hole. Please stop trying to do so. We are the most happy in a world which is about our special interests and where we get necessary social and interpersonal accommodations. To put it bluntly, we don’t find “mingling” interesting at all. Give me a purpose. What am I learning from them? What’s my end goal while talking to them? All that helps me. I just don’t have the bandwidth or desire for “mindless mingling”.
Soumya Mishra: Because I know my world is safe and predictable. I used to be frequently told by my family members that I don’t talk or socialise. Back in school, my schoolmates thought I was arrogant, that I thought I was better than them coz I performed well academically. But in reality, I couldn’t connect with them as we had nothing in common. I do socialise with my safe people, who know and understand me and give me the space to be myself. I can talk for hours on neurodivergence or neuroqueerness or music. I mingle in my own way, which brings me a lot of joy.
Sweta Sukhani: The one noticeable thing here is that we don’t feel like that in ND conversations. In ND conversations –
- We have topics of mutual interest.
- Time to recover if there is a shutdown.
- No judgement over any usage of aids.
- No objection if you want to lie down, sit cross legged or anything that’s comfortable and not impacting anyone else.
- You can excuse yourself anytime.
- You can say if the light or noise is bothering you and it will be addressed.
- If you are uncomfortable, your ND friends will notice it on your face and be attentive to you.
I love that sort of mingling!
